In the beginning of the relationship, the sex is hot. You’re getting to know your partner’s body, it’s a fun, it’s hot and it’s unforgettable.
A few months/years later, it can be a little ‘been there done that’. It can become mundane and dare I say boring.
Sex shouldn’t feel like a chore, it should be a chance for you to relax enjoy your pleasure and your partner.
Planned Sex VS Spontaneous Sex
Whats the difference? Why does it even matter? Who has time for this? There’s a difference! It matters because there’s a difference and you have to make the time for things that matter!
I am so pro planned sex! When sex is planned its the literal best! The anticipation, the buildup, the expectations.
Planning sex is easy and it’s great for a relationship. You aren’t saying ‘Sex with you is a chore, we have to plan it’. What you’re saying is ‘I know we’re busy, but I want sex with you so we have to schedule it!’
What Happens When You Schedule Sex:
- There’s a saying ‘Use it or Lose it’, this is the same with sex. You want your sex life to thrive, one of the first things you have to do is use it.
Just know if you have to get back into using it, it’s okay. You can get it back but it’ll take some time and that’s totally okay.
- It’s easier to be creative if you’re being sexually active. If you know what you’re enjoying then it’s easier to think about other things you’d like to try.
- It helps keep the lines of communication open. You are vulnerable with the person you’re with, they’re your partner. This makes it easier to express to your partner alternate things to try.
When you plan sex, you can plan things to happen. You can play to do and try new things, and explore.
It’s important that when you plan your sex that you plan a length of time. This isn’t to set a limit to the sex you want to have, it’s to make sure you allot enough time.
What exactly is enough time?
It’s giving yourself and your partner a few hours to get things settled before you get things interesting! Its making sure the dogs are fed, the kids are in bed, the dishes are done or whatever you like to make sure is handled at night.
It’s setting aside work and giving yourself 30 minutes before you go see your partner. If you need ‘me’ time then you need to schedule that in.
Part of that is communicating with your partner, letting them know. Saying ‘hey I need 15 minutes before I join you’. Sometimes we just need a moment to breath, let your hair down so to speak, so you can fully be present with your partner.
If you’re new to planning your sex night’s try this:
- Schedule 2-3 nights a week, they don’t have to be consecutive.
- Don’t cancel, it’s understandable to say ‘hey babe, not tonight, lets move it to tomorrow night’ or something like that. But you don’t want to cancel on the regular, you want to put forth the effort and show that you’re interested and making time for your partner.
- Be in the moment, do whatever you need to so you can be in the moment. If you aren’t fully paying attention to your partner or what’s going on their going to notice. You want to make sure that you devote time to building the relationship emotionally, physically and lovingly.
- Don’t be afraid to get dressed up. Both of you, get ready for your partner, make yourself feel good. If you feel good about yourself, and you know you both put in time to looking better it helps build the attraction.
- Appreciate your partner. This is a change you’re both making, because of this you want to make sure that you say thank you to your partner. It doesn’t matter how you thank them, sexually or not. It just matters that you do.
A sleep judge said that those who are scheduling sex find 10pm to be the best time to do so.
Spontaneous sex could be your partner hitting on you as you brush your teeth. You’ve had no time to prep and you’re looking forward to bed more than anything… so you say yes just to get it over with.
You don’t need to have this with planned sex, you can enjoy it and both of seduce each other through out the day. Make the time to be there for one another.
It’s fun, it happens and in the beginning of your relationship there’s no need to plan it. You both want it, you can’t wait to get your hands all of each other.
But that won’t last, you’ll settle into one another’s lives and things will start to occur. It’s not that the passion dies, but life takes over.
Spontaneous sex is great, but it’s not reliable. You don’t want to exclude it from your sex life, if the moment strikes, grab it.
If you’ve planned sex and then you have spontaneous sex, that’s even better.
Spontaneous sex is great but doesn’t give you a chance to plan a whole lot of things to do. Especially if you want to be kinky!
Don’t be ashamed to schedule in your orgasm and certainly keep yourself open to the wonders of spontaneous sex!
Planned sex lets you know what’s going to go down, because of that you don’t have think ‘lets get it over with’. You’ve made time for it, you’ve made time for each other and it doesn’t feel like a chore when you’ve decided to enjoy it together.
Adding New Toys Into The Relationship
Adding toys to your sex life can take it from mundane to every day. Toys can be scary, and you may think that your partner isn’t open to it but you’d be surprised.
And wanting to bring a toy into your relationship doesn’t mean that you don’t want your partner. It doesn’t mean they aren’t enough, it just means that you want to explore every sexual faucet with them.
There’s such a huge variety of toys you can bring into your sex life that will benefit both of you! You want to make sure whatever you bring in is a bonus not the main attraction.
And sometimes just learning all the ways you can use a toy in the bedroom can be so fun.
Here’s an article on How To Use Bullet Vibrators.
So how do you bring it up?
Just be open, tell your partner you want to expand your sexual world. You enjoy what you both do but you’d like to play with some toys. When you go to introduce the toy idea, have some ready to suggest.
If you want to pick some out, have suggestions ready to go over. You want to get the ball rolling, if you already have options to review and discuss then you can see what peaks your partners interest.
You don’t want to say ‘yea let’s look at toys later’ and then it never happens because you’re both just forgetting. You have to put your pleasure on the forefront to get the results you want.
Easy toys to introduce for both of you.
You can use this to not only massage one another but you can use it during sex.
Enjoy using it on the nipples! Use it on your partners nipples and erogenous zones.
Let it vibrate on the clit during penetrative sex.
Set it on the anus, with gentle pressure during penetrative sex.
Use it on the shaft and testicles or the clit and labia during foreplay.
Place it on the clit during sex.
You can use it when giving a blow job, on the shaft of the penis and testicles.
Entice the erogenous zones with a pulse setting.
Explore with it during oral sex on one another.
If you’re into the butt stuff then a butt plug is great!
There’s a thin piece of skin between the vagina and the anus. Because of this it not only makes the vagina tighter but also let’s your partner feel the vibration.
You can also stimulate the prostate while playing with the penis! It’s your choice, it’s fun to explore!
I’m a big advocate of flavored lube! Turn your partner into your favorite desert and eat them up. Talk about delicious!
These are some of my favorite flavored lubes.
You can also put them on your partners erogenous zones and then lick them off.
Or use the lube and put it where you want your partner to lick, yummy!
Do you want to be a student to a chef? End up messing up before you even get it in the oven and instead get all over each other!
Role play gives you a chance to get out of your current situation and slip into a fun fantasy. It doesn’t have to be extreme, it can just be fun and it should be.
Let go of the days chaos and slip into a fantasy of being somebody other than who you are. You can have any fantasy occur, enjoy the moment and just let loose.
The key is to stay in character, take it seriously. I don’t mean take it so seriously that the whole thing easily gets messed up but go with it. Get lost in a character, you want to enjoy the fantasy.
Write down a few fantasies, each of you. Put them in a bowl and pull it out that night, then enjoy it without judgement.
You don’t just have to stick with fantasies such as a Dr/Nurse or Manager/Employee.
You can roleplay to explore, try things like Dominating/submissive. Do a ‘no talking’ scene, only moans, bodies and the moment are allowed to speak for you both.
You can explore supernatural fantasies or even pretend your partner is somebody else. Do things your partner wouldn’t expect and have fun.
But before you do any of this, set up some guidelines. You don’t want to trigger your partner in anyway, so make sure that you have boundaries set.
Have a safeword agreed on, so if something in the fantasy isn’t going your way you can stop it.
Lower expectations, enjoy the moment! Things will not go smoothly in the beginning and that’s okay. You’ll both probably fall out of character, it’s okay to laugh. Just enjoy the time and the orgasm.
Sex is about pleasure, take back yours. Don’t let it feel like a chore, don’t let it be something you dread. Its a chance to communicate with your partner, to relish in an orgasm and to let loose.
Uncensor your pleasure, you can’t just discuss the easy things with your partner. You have to discuss the harder things and you have to put work into your relationship. Putting in work doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it.
Make it easy on yourself to enjoy, get the orgasm you deserve. Get the sex you want and don’t let sex become a chore.
Always Uncensor Your Pleasure
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